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A vie
Cette semaine
mo dao zu shi!
03/03/2021 à 22:21:01

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Life is weird sometimes you know.. isn't it ... ?

Things comes and things goes.. There's literally no sense to all what we are experiencing. Sometimes things are going the way we want, but then there are times, the darkest times.. Where you just don't know.. Nothing goes the way you want and everything is burried deep down, deep down.. and then you literally see you see what it is to be in hell. Men say that after death there is hell and paradise, I believe on earth, you can experience those.. Well at least I never have experienced paradise, but I have and still do experience hell. Hell on earth. It is like if no one is there for you, it is feeling constantly lonely and actually being lonely, no one here to really support you or touch your soul, no one that really thinks about you or no one that acts to save you, you are always here alone. After all when we were born here we were all alone in the beginning, so still going alone and ending alone, it doesn' change much. But why do we feel lonely.. ? Was there even a time where we didn't felt lonely ? I'm not so sure.. In my opinion we never really experienced real love state, or maybe if WE actually made it, WE, OURSELF, OUR U*** PERSONA. But other caannot make this happen for us because it all begins deep inside of us, and if that isnt right we won't be ble to be happy and the hell will just continue on and on and on and on and on and on and on. But what even is the point of life ? You know when you are in hell you dont know why youre here, you dont know why you live it and even witht that you still are afraid to die and to leave this earth, bevause deep down you know that you love this world and that you love living, so how do we end the suffer ? This is a good question, and honestly I am writing this to find it out as Im so exhausted. I see people being happy, but in fact they are not really, no one is really truly happy, besides if they really did find the full bliss, and in which I do believe in but I dont think everyone can attain it in this life, after all thats why people comit suicide. But then why do we live ? Why do we jeep continue in this path of hell ? Why do I continue ? Why do I continue this fight ? For what ? What do I want to attain in life ? What is my dream ? I feel I just do nothing all my day. Firstly because I have horrendous symptoms and secondly because I just procrastinate a ton. What should I do ? How should I get out of this viciious cycle ? People there can live even if they are sad, but I am here in this room, dying everyday from whoever knows what. I can't eat what I want, I can't talk to the people I love, or rather used to love, and I can't even know anymore what I want to do or who I wish to be.. I have a dream but I'm not even sure if it is really my dream you know.. Making music... Is it really my dream ? If it is, why did I never began ? Why do I always procrastinate ? Will I make it when I'll die ? Is it really that what I want to make ? To make music ? But for what and for who and to tell what ? And after all of this what even is the point to make music ? I also want to write like I do right now, and I want to dance, I want to travel the world in a van and end up living in Japan, but also go to Bali and visit China and North Korea and go back to the South of France, and absolutely go to the sea, ahh the sea... I just want to stop being stuck in a room, I've been stuck in my room my whole entire life and the only year I've been out of my room it was to experience trauma after trauma and have bad people around me, so why even would I go again outside ? I always had a room as a safe place but once I stepped outside of it it was a bad place, a very very bad place, it didn't changed from my childhood. The room in my mom's house, and now the room in my dad's appartment... Can I even call it MY room ? After all it is not MY home, and I don't PAY for it, I'm just here and people just have to bear with me and my presence... I want to run away, I've always wanted to run away, to take my backpack and just ran away. Why didn't I ever did that ? Maybe if I have done it when I was a teenager my life would have been different ? Why all those trauma's ? And why now I am suffering like no one else ? AND WHY DOES NO ONE PAY ATTENTION ??? WHY DOES NO ONE HELP ??? WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY. WHY AM I HERE. WHAT SHOULD I DO ??? PLEASE TELL MY WHAT I SHOULD DO ??? WHAT IS MY PURPOSE IN LIFE ? WHY AM I HERE ? WHY DO I LOVE ? WHY DO I LIVE ? WHY ? Life will never be the same again and I am so afraid to never be able to go out of that hellhole. One day someone said to me "If you touch the end you can only climb !" But it is NOT TRUE ! You know, you can go deeper and deeper in hell. Deeper, and deeper, and deeper, and deeper, there is no end.. Well actually yes, the end is DEATH. Inhumane suffering. Never ends.. What should I do ? Where do I go ? What's next ? Is there even something that matters ? I want to stay alone and never talk to anyone again. Yet I love people and what they do, especially the people who make music I look so much towards them, they make me feel alife.. And spirituality it is so intresting, it is always what keeps me up when I'm in hell. Where music cannot reach spirituality can. Could I combine the two ? The music, the spirituality ? To end up using it to heal people and to make me feel alife again. Can I do this ? I don't know anything about it. Maybe it is not for me. Maybe nothing is for me. You know. You ALL destroyed me deeply, DEEP DOWN into my BONES, my SKULL, my ORGANS, my BREATHE, my EMOTIONS, M Y   S O U L . . .

What even does my inner child wants me to know ? He's crying ! He's out there alone in the dark, not knowing what to do, causing me so many mental and physical issues, the spirits, the angels, the demons, the universe, somedays I cannot feel them, and somedays it feels only they exists, so what should I do ? How do I re***ct, how do I keep myself alife and not ill anymore ? What even is going on ?! LYME ? HPU/KPU ? B12 ? ZINC ? B6 ? MANGANESE ? MAGNESIUM ? VITAMINE C ? VITAMINE B3 ? MCAS ? ALLERGIES ? BORRELIA ? BARTONELLA ? BABESIA ? CHLAMYDIA ? WHAT EVEN THE FUCK IS THE POINT OF ALL OF THIS ??? WHAT EVEN ?! What does my limbic system do ? ! What's the point of this ? Universe, Archangel Raphael, Archangel Michael, Archangel Gabriel, Muse, Syun, Sani, Ari, Nandu, Men with the crown, Loki, Appollo ... What should I know ? What the fuck ? ... MY SOUL. MY HIGHER SELF. MY INNER CHILD. TELL ME. TALK TO ME. MAKE IT MORE OBVIOUS. I AM DUMB. I AM A DUMB HUMAN BEING WHO CANNOT UNDERSTAND WHAT'S GOING ON. I NEED HELP. I NEED HELP. I NEED HELP. WHEN WILL MY HEALING COME ? WHEN WILL MY HEALING COME ? WHEN WILL MY HEALING COME ? WHEN WILL MY HEALING COME ? WHEN WILL MY HEALING COME ? I'm lost I'm so lost, I lost it all, I've lost myself, I've lost everything ? Who am I ? What is me ? What is what ? 

There should be something, something that I'm doing wrong. I want to heal it all, I want to get better, I am so afraid to die, I am so afraid to have permanent damage, I am so afraid to continue on living like this, in this hell without stopping, the terrors are huge and intense and the stress the stress the stress the stress never ends, here in this home, the people around me, the "friends", the therapists, the doctors, everyone, what's going on and what's wrong with everyone ? What's wrong with this world ? Where do I came from and where should I go ? Is there a path for me ? What is my path ? If I choosed this life why did I even choosed it ? For what ? What is and what will be the benefit of living all of this ? What's the benefit of it all ? Everyhting annoys me, nothing makes sense, nothing ever made sense, this earth is not human, this earth is a fake earth where nothing makes sense. Humanity made it ill and so am I ill.

Give me my path and my life back.

Please . . . 

Age Genre Ville Pays
100 ans Homme Akihabara. Belgique
Célébrité préférée Musique préférée Film préféré Plat préféré
Daisuke Asakura., BTS. Sortilege & Caution. Titanic, HP & DN. De l'eau.
Couleur préférée Le job de mes rêves Emission préférée Loisir préféré
Black & White. Compositeur, Musicien. Gravitation, St Seiya & K. DA-Family.

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